RULES FOR DRIVING FAST
BY HUNTER S. THOMPSON
In the interest of celebrating the diversity of out beatnik-cowboy Shangri-La, The Woody Creeker would also like to include a different type of ritual that can be practiced with our without a full moon. In the words of our beloved Dr. Hunter S. Thompson:
Speedism is the most recently identified Disease that curses modem Man. Yesterday’s murdering speed freak is today’s helpless victim of ‘”Speedism.” This is a Big Leap that has taken a long time to achieve. It is a milestone in medical history and many unsung heroes have sacrificed themselves for it, including Sid Vicious us and the actor Richard Pryor, who set himself on fire while researching the Speedism virus.
This is wonderful news. A whole generation of coke fiends can rest easy now: They were not common addicts and criminals. No. They were helpless victims of a highly contagious Virus, Speedata Viruuseum. The Disease is Debilitating, Demoralizing and Incurable, leaving wracked with pain an utterly helpless for 6-9 months at a time.
Speedism can be fatal when mixed with high-speed automobiles and whiskey. It is wrong and I condemn it, but some dingbats will do it anyway. And not all will survive, but so what?
For other, the Living, here are some basic rules
No. 1 – – Make sure your car is Functioning in all Mechanical and Electrical levels.
Do not go out on any road to drive fast unless your exterior lights are working perfectly. There is only failure and jail very soon for anybody who tries to drive fast with one headlight or a broken red tail-light. This is automatic, unarguable Probable Cause for a cop to pull you over and check everything in your car. You do not want to give them Probable Cause. Check your lights, gas gauge, and tire pressure before you drive anywhere.
No. 2 — Get familiar with the Brake pressures on your machine before you drive any faster than 10 mph.
A brake drum that locks up the instant you touch the pedal will throw you sideways off the road and will then put you into a fatal egg beater, which mean you will go to trial if that happens. Be very aware of your brakes.
No. 3 — Have no small wrecks.
If you are going to loop out and hit something, hit it hard. Never mind that old-school physics bullshit about the Irresistible Force and the Immovable Object. The main rule of the Highway is that some objects are more movable than others. This occurs, for instance, when a speeding car goes straight through a plywood billboard, but not when one goes through a concrete wall. In most cases, the car going fastest sustains less damage than the slower-moving vehicle.
A small wreck is almost always costly and embarrassing. I talked to a man tonight who said he had been demoted from head waiter to salad boy when he had a small wreck in the restaurant’s parking lot and lost all respect from his fellow workers. “They laughed at me and call me an ass,” he said. “I should have hit the fucker at seventy-five, instead of just five,” he whined. “It cost me $6,800 anyway. I would have been maitre d’ by now if I’d screwed it on and just smashed the bastard. These turds have made me an outcast.”
HAVE NO SMALL WRECKS. IF YOU ARE GOING TO LOOP OUT AND HIT SOMETHING, HIT IT HARD. NEVER MIND THAT OLD-SCHOOL PHYSICS BULLSHIT ABOUT THE IRRESISTIBLE FORCE AND THE IMMOVABLE OBJECT. THE MAIN RULE OF THE HIGHWAY IS THT SOME OBJECTS ARE MORE MOVABLE THAN OTHERS.
No. 4 — (This is one of the more advanced rules, but let’s pop it in here while we still have the space.)
Avoid, at all costs, the use of any drug or drink or Hubris or even boredom that might cause you to steal a car and crash it into a concrete wall just to get the rush of the airbags exploding on you. This new fad among rich teenagers in L.A. is an extremely advanced technique that only pure amateurs should try, and it should be never down twice. Take my word for it.
No. 5 — The eating schedule should be as follows:
Hot, fresh spinach, Wellfleet Oysters, and thick slabs of sourdough garlic toast with salt and black pepper. Eat this two hours before departure, in quantities as needed. The drink should be Grolsch green beer, a dry oaken-flavored white wine and a tall glass of ice cubes and Royal Salute scotch whiskey, for the supercharge factor.
Strong black coffee should also be sipped while eating, with dark chocolate cake soaked in Grand Marnier for dessert. The smoking of oily hashish is optional, and in truth not recommended for use before driving at speeds up to 150 mph in residential districts. The smoking of powerful hashish should be saved until after your return from the drive, when nerve-ends are crazy and raw.